Monday, 8 April 2013

You Twit. Six-of-the-Best Comic Accounts


Twitter is an annoyingly quite brilliant concept. I don’t want to feel the need to care about what ‘celebs’ are up to, I don’t want to have conversations or try to explain something with an impossible limit of 140 characters, and I certainly don’t want to be reminded that whilst only 186 people care about what I have to say (half of which are fake porn stars or business accounts looking for my custom, so therefore don’t count), over three million take an interest in Piers Morgan’s pearls of wisdom, and almost 2 million users want to know who Joey Barton is next looking to stab in the eye with a cigarette!

Even so, somehow, Twitter keeps dragging me and the rest of the unimportant nation in. The interactivity with the rich and famous is an ideal much admired by the ‘Beliebers’ and ‘Directioners’ of the twittosphere, as they continue to genuinely believe that Justin actually gives a **** that ‘Justin means the world to us!’… Oh shut up, you delusional psychopaths, he doesn’t even know you exist.

Outbursts aside, one of the best elements existing with twitter is the ‘are they, aren’t they?’ fake accounts that you can plausibly believe, yet are almost too clever to be real. The one’s that make you laugh through over-excessive stereotyping or parodying of reality. Here’s some of my favourites that you simply have to take a look at. Now I apologize in advance, for ALL of these will be football-related and thus some will have no interest at all in my ‘six of the best’ below. For the rest of you, you might want to make some additions to your ‘following’ list.

NCFC CHAOS CREW (@CHAOSCREW_NCFC): Described in impressively illiterate fashion as ‘an up and coming mob of lads’, this “numba 1 yoof firm” likes to dress in ‘smart casual clobber’, stay confidential for obvious reasons (‘old bill’), only ‘smash up’ casuals not ‘shirters’, and enjoy helping out with their granddads allotments in their spare time. Behind the hard-man image the Norfolk boys actually offer some insightful, analytical comments on topics such as ‘nawty’ players at Newcastle, or the exceedingly poor quality of beer such as Fosters. Don’t appear to be ‘old bill’ though, or you’re ‘blocked son’ for ‘mugging them off’! Far too good to be true, the people behind the profile go down as comedy geniuses in my book.

Wale Hezekiah (@WaleLuvzGirl): Wale is, supposedly, a proud Christian from Nigeria who holds three clubs close to his heart – Liverpool, Man United and Celtic. His love for Liverpool is epitomized by his obsession with superstar Stewart Downing, and Celtic through his appreciation of manager ‘Aaron’ Lennon. His Manchester United team include Ruud Van Pursie, John o Shay, and Nanny, though he strongly advocates the sacking of Alex Ferguson – particularly disagreeing with the signing of a player who ‘thinks he is a pokemon’, meaning Javier Hernandez. Displaying his feelings through what is atrociously bad written grammar, Wale is partial to some ‘*dancin*’, enjoys sending ‘*hugz*’, whilst also proving an emotional character as he often breaks down ‘*cryin*’ or puts on his ‘*sad face*’. An admired tweeter amongst his followers, Wale is, quite frankly, brilliant.

Cockney Fred the Red (@notagloryhunter): As stereotypical as they come, Fred’s purpose is to mimic 50% of the football-‘supporting’ nation in his love of Manchester United Football Club for absolutely no reason whatsoever. He claims to have once visited Old Trafford – as an Arsenal fan – but has bought the United shirt for the last 5 years so is supposedly worthy of his ‘Avid MUFC Fan’ tag. He is keen to show the world what being a ‘proper red’ is all about – singing about ‘CR7’, being happy with Anderson as opposed to Lucas Moura, and celebrating their ‘champions’ status last season… for 122 seconds. Now, this account won’t go down well with many – for example, if you’re a United fan because your granddad once went to Manchester and said it was nice, steer well clear. If you’re a Manchester City fan, or any other genuine football supporter for that matter (United fans included), you’re free to laugh at the expense of all ‘plastics’.

Canary Call (@01603617321): For all you Norfolk-born-and-bred folk, Canary Call needs no introduction. For those of you without such a privilege, Canary Call is the football phone-in on Radio Norfolk which follows all NCFC games and features some of Norfolk’s finest mentalists. Norfolk accents at their very best, accompanied by football knowledge at its very worst, the comedy value of Canary Call is not to be underestimated. The twitter account (getting back to the point) is effectively a parody of the kind of calls the radio station can expect to receive – yet, worryingly, it’s really not far off. Consistently wondering ‘WAS GORN ON?!’, wanting ‘Hootun out’, and ‘Foomun’ about a lack of ‘ghouls’ – this account is the closest you’ll get to the real-thing outside of Norfolk. Come on, everybody loves a laugh at our expense, so here’s some armoury delivered on a plate.

Alan Shearer’s Eyes (@HowAlanSeesIt): As many regular Match-of-the-Day viewers can testify – Alan Shearer was a far better player than he is now a pundit. Popping up during the Blackburn, Newcastle and England hero’s finest hours of punditry, this account aims to put some perspective on the points that Alan raises, and highlight the simplicity of his analysis. According to the Alan Shearer that this account portrays, ‘Defenders don’t like strikers who try to score goals’… just to give you an idea of the tone of these tweets. What’s even funnier about this account is when the occasional imbecile responds to a tweet believing it’s genuine. Just last week, somebody argued Alan should ‘get real’ and it was ‘about time he quit’ following a sarcastic analysis of a booking… There’s just no helping some people, honestly.

Opta Parody (@OptaParody): Quite self-explanatory, this is a parody of the statistics provided by the legitimate ‘Opta’ sports account. As opposed to providing interesting, useful and, well, truthful statistics – Opta Parody prefers to present jokes with the purpose of mocking anyone and anything in the world of football. Here are a few samples, just so you get the idea – ‘0 – The number of clues this referee has. Embarrassing’; ‘2020 – The earliest Arsenal will next win a trophy. Rubbish’; £1,856,348 – The yearly saving in hospital bills QPR will make after they release Kieron Dyer from his contract. Sick-note’… I’m sure you get it by now.

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