The original draft, produced for 'Fireball Whisky'. I'd like to reiterate this was written in an attempt to appeal to the target audience. It is not a reflection of my attitude towards university, or my opinion of students.
Who to Look Out For In Lectures
In all walks of life you
will come across certain stereotypical individuals of whom you are simply
powerless to avoid. That annoying phone salesman who is adamant they’re “not
trying to sell you anything, but…”; The power-hungry busybody who has the
rather simple intention of causing as much unnecessary hassle as possible –
yes, traffic wardens, and train ticket inspectors, I’m very specifically
looking at you; The edgy indie-kid who outright refuses to enjoy music once it passes
the ‘mainstream’ threshold; That policeman who turns up at your door, day after
day, and just will not give you a break no matter their lack of evidence
against you… Oh, that’s just me then? Never mind, moving swiftly on…
No matter where you go or what
you study, lectures will contain their own standard sets of personnel. Rest
assured, take a look around your lecture hall you’ll find certain characters
adequately fitting the following descriptions. Prospective students – get
familiarising yourself with the following student pool-of-variety that you can
expect to come across from September onwards; current students or graduates –
get categorizing!
The Smart Arse: Arguably the worst of the lot, ‘the smart arse’ is annoying for
multiple reasons. The first, frankly, is that they ARE smarter than you, no
matter how much you refuse to admit it. The second – they WILL let you know
about it. If the lecturer asks a question, they will ensure not only that they
answer the question, but include any additional information that is likely to
impress the seemingly inferior crowd. There is one thing these lecture-room
inhabitants fail to understand, though – that nobody is actually impressed. For
example, if at the beginning of a ‘European Politics’ module the lecturer asks
“who before this course can already name all 27-members of the European
Union?”, don’t put your hand up and proceed to reel them off. As one fellow
student of mine found out all too well, nobody is impressed until you get one
wrong – which subsequently leads to an almighty cheer. Yes, pal, you know who
you are, and you asked for it.
Mr and Mrs Posh: No, I’m not referring to the couple who think they’re David and
Victoria, or any Peterborough United fans for that matter. These two are most
likely to be found lurking in your seminars or tutor groups, waiting for the
perfect opportunity to turn the simplest of points into an apparent scientific
breakthrough. Lacking any real academic ability above the regular students,
these will use their dignified accent to appear superior to the mere peasants
that surround them. Instead of making things easily understandable for the
greater good, these types are experts in the art of fraud. When they finish
discussing a straightforward interpretation of an Oscar Wilde remark – you’ll be
left believing they deserve a Nobel Prize for an outstanding contribution to
literature. Don’t be fooled. They learnt that point at GCSE level.
The Sleeper:
Far less irritating, the sleeper is rather self-explanatory. They will fall asleep,
anywhere, anyhow, at any time. Sleepers hold no consideration for the lecturer
attempting to aid them in their quest to earn a degree – something with which
the sleeper does themselves no favours. Sometimes, the sleeper will turn up in
their pyjamas, pre-prepared, already accepting the inevitable nap that will
occur.
The Front-Row Fanatic: With each and every lecture, the same familiar
individuals will occupy the front-row of the hall. With some cases, these will
simply be unfortunate folk who must sit that close for eyesight purposes. In
all others, however, these are simply educational extremists, minimising the
opportunity for interruption to their concentration. In ensuring they do not
miss a single snippet of information that could be useful for the forthcoming
exams, these students do no harm to anyone. Keeping quiet and getting on with
their work, front-row fanatics are something to be admired. They annoy nobody,
they belittle nobody, and they interrupt nobody. If you find yourself as a
front-row fanatic – good on you! Keep up the good work, just maybe buy yourself
a pint, or a Fireball, now and again…
The Gamer:
The gamer uses entertainment to provide others, well, entertainment! Lecture
gamers get up to all sorts of fun distractions during lectures. I’ve seen
everything from thorough in-depth football tactics masterminded on a writing
pad, to sublime pieces of work produced on Microsoft Paint. In some more
selfish instances, the gamer will resort to the likes of ‘angry birds’ on their
smart phone, which is no fun to the rest of us. You can complain that gamers
are unwanted and unavoidable distractions, but there’s nothing stopping you
becoming a front-row fanatic – gamers can’t get to you there.
The Late-Act:
You will probably give your own name to this categorization, depending on the
person or persons that fall under the heading. 10 minutes into your lecture,
somebody will crash through the back-entrance impersonating a wet-dog as they
shake the water out of their hair from the shower they just got out of. They
will always sit at the back, and have been too rushed to have remembered the
correct books, or a pen. Late-acts commonly turn into ‘sleepers’ as they soon
realise the lecture has become a pointless part of an otherwise… well,
extremely pointless day. They will also be the first ones found frantically
packing up there stuff at the first sign that the end-of-the-lecture is near.
Last in, first out, every time.
And, finally, “My iPad is better than your… writing pad”:
This category consists of two people, and an overall large proportion of the
lecture hall population. First, there is the people sat jealously watching the
person next to them taking notes on their high-tech tablet; Secondly, there’s
the people using the high-tech tablet. It is human nature to want something
that somebody else has got, so here’s your warning – get yourself an iPad if
you have the chance, or regret it following three years of written note-taking.
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