Where Are The Jobs?! Insight into the Hidden Jobs Market

Original draft written for the 'Norwich for Jobs' project. Published link to follow once the new website is up and running.

Whilst job boards are both extensive and a great way to identify vacancies that suit you, they are certainly not the only way despite what the digital age of today will lead you to believe. Are you aware that a reliance on job boards and advertised vacancies online restricts you to an estimated 40% of available positions? Getting a foot in the door of the hidden jobs market can be a long, drawn-out process with a frequently low response rate – but on the other end of the scale, such an approach can prove significantly rewarding and tailored more extensively to the industries, positions, and organisations that are of interest to you.

It is true, jobs are tough to find and even more difficult to obtain due to increasingly strong and broad competition. One of the most recycled, though indeed important sayings as you begin your venture into the working world remains – “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know”. This is, largely, due to a tendency for companies to recruit internally as a first port-of-call once a position rises. Should no suitable candidate come from such an approach, job advertising is often played out as a last resort. Internal recruitment is a significantly more cost-effective, time-effective route to take. So, how do you stand a chance? The answer is speculative applications.

Don’t wait for a vacancy to find you, get yourself out there and find it yourself. A speculative application is a process of finding the contact details of the recruitment manager or department of an organisation you wish to work for; putting together a CV and cover letter (just as you would for any application); and sending a query as to whether any suitable positions happen to be available for you. Sounds unlikely, yes. But should there be an opportunity, your approach has demonstrated research, initiative and confidence – all qualities valued by employers.

Never be put off by an offer of ‘work experience’ at a company really suited to you. With the jobs market as competitive as we find it at present, voluntary work experience is extremely worthwhile for numerous reasons. First, you get an opportunity to prove yourself in a working environment within an organisation you have selected; secondly, if your network of contacts is distinctively empty, there’s no better method for gaining ‘inside’ influence; thirdly, if the experience wasn’t to lead to a paid position – it is always, at very least, a fantastic addition to your CV. A positive reflection on both your desire and willingness to work, which can only lead to an increase of opportunity.

Networking is one of the most beneficial activities a jobseeker can do – you never know who you might meet or what it might lead to. Careers fairs, voluntary work, community involvement and speculative applications are all great tools for networking. Information interviews signify another beneficial course of action to take – that is, simply contacting those in a particular industry asking for information or guidance. This could refer to making yourself employable, finding a job or being a success in a particular field. The content is not the most important aspect, it’s the initial effort to make contact that can prove pivotal. These people were all in your position once, and are often more-than-willing to assist. The more you network, the more doors open.

Barriers to Employment: Employer Responsibility?

Original draft written for the 'Norwich for Jobs' campaign website - aiming to reduce youth unemployment in Norwich.
Norwich for Jobs: Published Blog Entry

Upon graduating, personal expectations in the world of employment are high. You’ll find yourself a job, doing something you want to do, earning enough to start paying back your student debt. It won’t take much; a decent CV, a few applications and maybe one or two interviews before you fall into job-security heaven. Okay, even graduates such as myself know that’s an unrealistic utopia – but for most, beginning to achieve something from your degree is extensively difficult – to an entirely unexpected level. But can all the responsibility lie with the applicants and their attitudes? Are we simply too arrogant, but ultimately unprepared? From my own experiences, and feedback from those in similar positions, no. Many employers are unfair, unrealistic, and exploitative due to an unstable jobs market.

First is the unrealistic perception of ‘graduate credentials’. A typical graduate job in marketing, for example, requires ‘at least 2 years previous experience in a marketing role’. So in other words, you aren’t looking for a recent graduate at all, then? Students that have been studying towards a degree for three years simply do not have any ‘years of experience’ to put in their résumé – to expect such vast experience becomes a major hindrance on graduates finding work in their desired fields, leaving them to apply for positions they have no interest in.

Second, is it so hard to give an automated response to unsuccessful applicants? I don’t think so, and I think employers owe that much to applicants who have shown an interest in working for their company, and bothered to apply accordingly. Too often applicants are forever left in the dark about positions applied for, which in my opinion, should be given closer scrutiny by a government seeking to control levels of unemployment.

It’s not just the employers either. Although very differentiated in their approach and helpfulness, recruitment agencies often follow those same negative trends set by some employers. Whilst some (typically smaller, more intimate agencies) listen to your strengths and desires in work and offer genuine help; others consider bombarding you with emails regarding jobs you aren't qualified for (or interested in) in an attempt to get you off their books as quickly as possible, as a service well provided.

Worst of the lot, however, is false job advertisements. The best one I've come across is a self-proclaimed ‘paid graduate training in marketing strategies and business operations’. Or, in other words, door-to-door sales. The cunning plan here is to appeal directly to the vast audience of unemployed youth by disguising the role as an enticing opportunity, only to send applicants on a ‘trial assessment’ selling their products around a neighbourhood, without pay. By the end of the day, applicants realise their time has been wasted, but the sneaky employers have just been given a willing workforce for the day, free of charge. Such exploitation should be more widely publicised to prevent others falling into similar traps.

This is not to say all employers and organisations are accountable for such negativity. Some deserve strong credit. I'm sure Capita won’t mind me mentioning them as a shining light amongst a largely unhelpful market. After just one stage in the application progress, I had received a personal phone call including very useful feedback and a positive endorsement to apply again once the scheme re-opened – it doesn't take much. Even a simple confirmation of a received application, followed by – ‘if you don’t hear back by… we thank you for your interest, but have unfortunately decided not to follow up on your application’ – would suffice. Keep pushing, job-hunters!

5 Small Steps to a Bigger Budget: The Student's Guide

     A flash car, designer clothing and the latest iPhone contract deal – leaving enough change to throw away at the casino. Whilst this may sound like every student’s ideal lifestyle, the reality of student budgeting simply doesn’t warrant such an irresponsible approach to personal finance. As obvious as this may sound, it’s surprising how many students you’ll find that fail to take simple and necessary precautions when managing their money, resulting in an early use of the troublesome ‘overdraft’ facility offered with your student bank account. However, your student life need not be a never-ending journey of financial despair. Here are 5 changes you should make that alone may have a trivial effect, but the combining effect could prove essential to your finances.

Leave the car.
Though a car may seem an easy getaway option – is it really necessary? The cost of the car isn’t even the issue here – but affording the running costs is something that can be avoided (and with petrol costs continuously rising, the money saved can be excessive). Don’t fall into the ‘taxi trap’ at university. One short trip may seem to only cost one or two pounds to your friends – but you will soon discover multiple trips are both costly, and expected.

Learn to cook!

Cooking is not only a valuable skill for surviving university life – but it’s remarkably cost saving too! Those who can’t (or simply won’t) cook soon discover the expense of regular takeaways and supermarket ready-meals. Your own ingredients will cost significantly less (whilst providing a healthier alternative, I may add) and don’t have to be less enjoyable. As they say, practice makes perfect!

Make use of student discounts.

Ask any graduate, they all miss student discounts! Discounts for students are available across an array of activities, goods and services – so make the most of them whilst you can! That doesn’t mean making a purchase simply because it’s discounted, but rather choosing a student deal over a full price.

Textbooks.

There’s most likely going to be a bookstore on campus, or nearby, offering those books required for your study. Don’t make the mistake of feeling you ‘have to’ abide by these often-extravagant costs. Use societies, tutors or message boards to buy second-hand books off previous students; search online, they’re often much cheaper; Buy an older version if your tutor says this is acceptable, they often lack any significant differentiation – meaning the price increase can’t be justified; and finally, sell your books on after use – someone will be in your position next year!

Ignoring those misleading ‘extras’.

Haircuts that cost £6 extra but come with a ‘free’ beverage; Student bank accounts offering a complimentary mug to all new account holders; ‘Exclusive’ phone contract deals ‘just for you’… These all represent obviously insignificant extras that continue to be surprisingly enticing for new students. Particularly with bank accounts, never jump straight for the first deal you’re offered. Be sure to carry out some research. A complimentary young-persons rail card is far more useful than all the pens, mugs and coasters a bank can throw at you.

Season Preview: Four Top-Tier Teams-to-Watch

Original draft. Written for 'Fireball UK'.

http://www.ignitethenite.co.uk/season-preview-four-teams-to-watch/

So with a new football season brings renewed optimism, growing excitement, new signings and universal hope across the nation. Some things never change - Nicolas Anelka has moved to his 138^th club, Wayne Rooney has handed in his annual transfer request, and Palace have been relegated before a ball has even been kicked (or so say every season review out there, and lets face it, they’re not wrong). But as Palace prepare for their 5^th Premier League season, with the previous 4 having ended in relegation, 4 teams in particular have been quietly making the positive changes required for a potentially memorable campaign.

Tottenham Hotspur
Okay, granted, it’s an obvious one, but hear me out. At the time of writing, Spurs are doing everything in their power to hold on to Gareth Bale, including prepping a young kid in their reserves to look exactly like Gareth so to confuse admirers (honestly, look up Kenny McEvoy and tell me that’s a coincidence). If by the time of reading Daniel Levy’s cunning plan has failed, and Bale has joined ‘CR7’ at Madrid, ignore this entire paragraph. He’s that good! However, if he stays, André Villas-Boas has assembled one very impressive squad. The addition of Nacer Chadli from FC Twente relieves at least part of the reliance on Bale and Lennon. In Roberto Soldado, Spurs now have a proven goalscorer to lead the line, with experience both internationally and during his time in Spain. Add Brazilian Paulinho to an already-impressive midfield-duo of Sandro and Dembele and suddenly Tottenham appear to be quite a force. Factor in the stability effect from holding on to AVB whilst Chelsea, Man City and Man United all face the new season with unknown-quantities in charge; alongside the benefits of owning one of the leagues’ strongest Goalkeepers; it would be foolish to bet high on Spurs not making Champions League qualification.

Norwich City

Call me a biased, blind-optimist all you like – few would argue Norwich haven’t already made significant changes this transfer window. In January, Everton reportedly bid over £8-million for midfield powerhouse Leroy Fer, only for a ‘failed medical’ to scupper the deal. The definition of the term ‘failed medical’, however, is somewhat ambiguous. Many reports indicate the term relates to the expected departure of Fellaini, which never materialised, and so Fer was no longer required. 6-months later and the Canaries have snapped up the Dutch midfielder for half the price, alongside fellow countryman Ricky van Wolfswinkel. Goal-scoring success has followed ‘the Wolf’ from Holland to the Portuguese League, earning him the opportunity to prove his worth in the illustrious Premier League – just in time for the World Cup, perhaps? Additionally, Martin Olsson offers an alternative to Javier Garrido at left-back, whilst also providing a pacy option down the wing, something which the Canaries noticeably lacked last season. The Hughton-factor enabled Norwich to beat off competition from the likes of Everton and Swansea to secure the hot English prospect of Nathan Redmond from Birmingham City, who was given his first professional contract by none other than Hughton himself. The most recent addition of Gary Hooper from Celtic doesn’t appear to signal closed business for Norwich either, with more additions likely. Expect a very different Norwich City from the rather dull and defensively-minded outset of last year.

 

Swansea City
‘Swansalona’ have taken the Premiership by storm since that fantastic Championship play-off final victory against Reading back in 2011, and don’t look likely to be heading back down any time soon. The most impressive factor of Swansea’s rise to football stardom hasn’t even been the development of their own distinctive brand of passing football; or their knack (or rather, luck) of discovering the bargain-of-the-season two years running in Michel Vorm and Michu’; or even the unbelievable story of midfield-regular Leon Britton who was a part of the Swansea team that fell to the very bottom of the football league only 10 years ago. Rather, most of the credit due to Swansea lies with their ability to not only deal with huge club departures that had seriously damaging potential – but to actually improve on those departures. Losing Brendan Rodgers could have seen an end to the Swansea-style of play, but instead Michael Laudrup came in and simply continued the trend. When Scott Sinclair made the choice to ‘progress his career’ in the Manchester City reserves, up stepped wingers Nathan Dyer and Wayne Routledge. The transition from Gylfi Sigurdsson to Michu went relatively unnoticed following Michu’s debut season-tally of 18 league goals. This year, the club-record signing of Wilfried Bony – once tipped to be the ‘next Didier Drogba’ – will provide vital goalscoring ammunition and lift the large burden of pressure from Michu’s shoulders. The combined effect could prove astronomical.

Cardiff City

With the South Wales Derby becoming a Premier League fixture for the very first time, Cardiff fans will be hotly anticipating the new season. After three failed attempts at promotion through the playoffs, Cardiff finally decided to take the automatic route - but at what cost? An image overhaul saw the ‘Bluebirds’ evolve into ‘Red Dragons’ with a new red kit colour and badge. Many in football, including Cardiff fans, saw this as an abandonment of their history. For many, success has simply been a smokescreen for the damaged reputation of their new owner. Aside from off-pitch controversy, Cardiff has the squad in place to really compete in the top-tier. The gap between the Premiership and Championship has expanded more than ever, but Cardiff holds the potential to be an exception. A clean-sheet tally of 18 over last years Championship campaign can be credited to a solid defence, with the strong addition of Steven Caulker from Spurs helping to ease the step-up. At the other end, 20-year-old striker Andreas Cornelius is a gamble following only one year of regular first-team football, in the Danish Superliga. Cardiff can take confidence from their goal-scoring potential all-over the pitch, aided by the threat Peter Whittingham and Craig Bellamy provide from set pieces. With survival a very realistic first aim, Cardiff fans should be buoyed by the prospect of top-flight football. Is changing back to blue too much to ask, maybe?

Now just sit-back and watch as AVB is sacked by November; Rooney reveals a ‘once a red, always a red’ message under his shirt; Anelka signs a three-year contract extension; Norwich slump to relegation; Bony turns out to be flop-of-the-season and Cardiff change their kits mid-season, to green. Oh, and Palace make their surge towards the top-half… Okay, apologies, I took it too far!

The Best-of-the-Worst University Courses

The original draft, produced for 'Fireball Whisky'.

http://www.ignitethenite.co.uk/the-5-best-of-the-worst-university-courses/

Now we’re all aware of the stereotypical, consistently repeated, university-course myths that plague some students for the entirety of their university career: Geographers only need colouring crayons to work on their maps, Film Studies students get to watch Finding Nemo whilst the rest of us study hard for our exams, and so on. Though whilst most of these jokes regarding ‘Mickey-Mouse’ degrees are light-hearted and make no accurate representation of what the degree entails in reality – there are some degrees, courses and modules made available for students that more-than-deserve their negative perceptions as irrelevant, hilariously worthless additions to some poor student’s academic profile. Here are 5-of-the-best, hand-picked from Universities across the United Kingdom. If you’re a prospective student, avoid. If you’re a current student, laugh. If you’re a student currently or previously enrolled on one of the following… Sorry.

David Beckham Studies – Staffordshire University

Take a moment to imagine the following scenario. You take a break from your Law seminar work – or your essay marking, or your consistent yet needless stressing about your child’s apparently non-existent academic success – to find yourself reading up on the latest news headlines in education: ‘Record GCSE Results for the 67^th Year Running’; ‘Literacy Levels Doubled Over 10 Years’; ‘Worlds Leading Businesses Back Government Funding for Medical Schools’… Hang on, though, what’s this? ‘University Cuts Threaten Degrees in David Beckham Studies’?! Horror fills your mind. All your nightmares roll into one. How will the economy survive without those valuable graduates in David Beckham Studies? What are we going to do about Global Warming? How are our children and grandchildren going to survive in a society poisoned with crime and deceit? Now, the media (and me included) have been unfair here. David Beckham Studies isn’t, as portrayed, a degree at all. Staffordshire University offered the study as a module option for students taking Sociology, Sports Science or Media Studies. Even so, nothing takes away the fact this is a remarkably worthless course with fascinating prospects for those who opt-in to the module – zero.

Harry Potter and the age of Illusion – Durham University

Fill in the ‘blank’ to create the description of an exceedingly rewarding research module offered at one of the country’s most highly-respected educational institutes: “Aims to place the phenomenon that is … ‘blank’… in its social, cultural and educational context”. Globalisation, maybe? Feminism? Multiculturalism..? Harry Potter?! Now there was me thinking when my 2-year-old Nephew became obsessed with Harry Potter it was to do with the wizardry and make-believe characters that have made Harry Potter so astonishingly popular over the last decade. Little did I know he was in fact “considering the relevance of Harry Potter to the educational system in the twenty-first century”. A key learning outcome of this course is to develop a “knowledge and understanding of the main features of the Harry Potter texts”. Be sure to mention that in your CV’s and subsequent job interviews, graduates. It’ll get you far…

Surf Science – Plymouth University

We’ll all be gone for the summer, we’re on safari to stay, tell the teacher we’re surfin’, surfin’… Plymouth. Yes, that’s right. Drop your Bunsen Burners, test tubes and microscopic lenses – There’s a new science developing – the science of surf. Recently celebrating its 10^th anniversary (amazing it’s been allowed to persist for so long), this supposedly ‘internationally-renowned’ degree course sets you up for careers in, well, Hawaii, maybe? I’m not too sure. Luckily, though, it continues to develop and refine its academic portfolio each year. Surely with this rapid progression, they’ll have developed the three-word-conclusion ‘waste of time’ before its 20^th birthday!

Feel the Force: How To Train the Jedi Way – Queens University Belfast

“Use the force, Luke”, said the university lecturer to undergraduate Luke Walker as he tried to get his head round ‘real-life psychological techniques behind Jedi mind tricks’. Analyzing wider issues such as fatherhood, idealism and destiny, this open-course is “not just about the Star Wars films”, apparently. No, that’s right; it’s also about the Family Guy parodies of the Star Wars films. Maybe they can discuss how Meg Griffin’s lack of involvement in these episodes reflects fatherhood abandonment issues. The course was said to have received 50,000 applicants when it was first made available, that was until prospective students clocked on there was a ‘bring your own light saber’ policy enforced. Youngsters just don’t have the resources available these days.

Viking Studies – University of Nottingham

It is most certainly true that you can never be too prepared for anything. Sun cream at the beach in case you start to burn; spare nappies for when your loving child provides you with a ‘special gift’; an emergency puncture repair kit when off to the country for a bike ride; a set of graduates with all the relevant skills just in case a second period of Viking expansion arises. For the inevitable ‘Viking Age 2’ that the future will, at some point, witness – students of Viking Studies become mastered in the art of spear-fighting and navigating in rough seas. Now, of course, I am fully aware that the Viking Studies degree is actually a study of the Viking Age through the disciplines of English, History and Archaeology... Which begs the question, what’s wrong with a degree in English, or History, or Archaeology? The lucky students to fill the 4 available places on this course must have achieved a very respectable ABB at A-Level – which makes it even more baffling why they would chose such a ridiculously narrow degree course. Each to their own, I suppose.

And finally, my personal favourite from ‘across-the-pond’ - Lady Gaga and the Sociology of Fame – University of South Carolina

“Don’t hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you’re set, I’m on the right track baby, I was born this way”. Well, if you take this course, you will regret it, all you are set for is worryingly bland future prospects, and you’re most certainly not on the right track, ‘baby’.

Lectures: Who to Expect

The original draft, produced for 'Fireball Whisky'. I'd like to reiterate this was written in an attempt to appeal to the target audience. It is not a reflection of my attitude towards university, or my opinion of students. 

http://www.ignitethenite.co.uk/who-to-look-out-for-in-lectures/

Who to Look Out For In Lectures

In all walks of life you will come across certain stereotypical individuals of whom you are simply powerless to avoid. That annoying phone salesman who is adamant they’re “not trying to sell you anything, but…”; The power-hungry busybody who has the rather simple intention of causing as much unnecessary hassle as possible – yes, traffic wardens, and train ticket inspectors, I’m very specifically looking at you; The edgy indie-kid who outright refuses to enjoy music once it passes the ‘mainstream’ threshold; That policeman who turns up at your door, day after day, and just will not give you a break no matter their lack of evidence against you… Oh, that’s just me then? Never mind, moving swiftly on…

No matter where you go or what you study, lectures will contain their own standard sets of personnel. Rest assured, take a look around your lecture hall you’ll find certain characters adequately fitting the following descriptions. Prospective students – get familiarising yourself with the following student pool-of-variety that you can expect to come across from September onwards; current students or graduates – get categorizing!

The Smart Arse: Arguably the worst of the lot, ‘the smart arse’ is annoying for multiple reasons. The first, frankly, is that they ARE smarter than you, no matter how much you refuse to admit it. The second – they WILL let you know about it. If the lecturer asks a question, they will ensure not only that they answer the question, but include any additional information that is likely to impress the seemingly inferior crowd. There is one thing these lecture-room inhabitants fail to understand, though – that nobody is actually impressed. For example, if at the beginning of a ‘European Politics’ module the lecturer asks “who before this course can already name all 27-members of the European Union?”, don’t put your hand up and proceed to reel them off. As one fellow student of mine found out all too well, nobody is impressed until you get one wrong – which subsequently leads to an almighty cheer. Yes, pal, you know who you are, and you asked for it.

Mr and Mrs Posh: No, I’m not referring to the couple who think they’re David and Victoria, or any Peterborough United fans for that matter. These two are most likely to be found lurking in your seminars or tutor groups, waiting for the perfect opportunity to turn the simplest of points into an apparent scientific breakthrough. Lacking any real academic ability above the regular students, these will use their dignified accent to appear superior to the mere peasants that surround them. Instead of making things easily understandable for the greater good, these types are experts in the art of fraud. When they finish discussing a straightforward interpretation of an Oscar Wilde remark – you’ll be left believing they deserve a Nobel Prize for an outstanding contribution to literature. Don’t be fooled. They learnt that point at GCSE level.

The Sleeper: Far less irritating, the sleeper is rather self-explanatory. They will fall asleep, anywhere, anyhow, at any time. Sleepers hold no consideration for the lecturer attempting to aid them in their quest to earn a degree – something with which the sleeper does themselves no favours. Sometimes, the sleeper will turn up in their pyjamas, pre-prepared, already accepting the inevitable nap that will occur.

The Front-Row Fanatic: With each and every lecture, the same familiar individuals will occupy the front-row of the hall. With some cases, these will simply be unfortunate folk who must sit that close for eyesight purposes. In all others, however, these are simply educational extremists, minimising the opportunity for interruption to their concentration. In ensuring they do not miss a single snippet of information that could be useful for the forthcoming exams, these students do no harm to anyone. Keeping quiet and getting on with their work, front-row fanatics are something to be admired. They annoy nobody, they belittle nobody, and they interrupt nobody. If you find yourself as a front-row fanatic – good on you! Keep up the good work, just maybe buy yourself a pint, or a Fireball, now and again…

The Gamer: The gamer uses entertainment to provide others, well, entertainment! Lecture gamers get up to all sorts of fun distractions during lectures. I’ve seen everything from thorough in-depth football tactics masterminded on a writing pad, to sublime pieces of work produced on Microsoft Paint. In some more selfish instances, the gamer will resort to the likes of ‘angry birds’ on their smart phone, which is no fun to the rest of us. You can complain that gamers are unwanted and unavoidable distractions, but there’s nothing stopping you becoming a front-row fanatic – gamers can’t get to you there.

The Late-Act: You will probably give your own name to this categorization, depending on the person or persons that fall under the heading. 10 minutes into your lecture, somebody will crash through the back-entrance impersonating a wet-dog as they shake the water out of their hair from the shower they just got out of. They will always sit at the back, and have been too rushed to have remembered the correct books, or a pen. Late-acts commonly turn into ‘sleepers’ as they soon realise the lecture has become a pointless part of an otherwise… well, extremely pointless day. They will also be the first ones found frantically packing up there stuff at the first sign that the end-of-the-lecture is near. Last in, first out, every time.

And, finally, “My iPad is better than your… writing pad”: This category consists of two people, and an overall large proportion of the lecture hall population. First, there is the people sat jealously watching the person next to them taking notes on their high-tech tablet; Secondly, there’s the people using the high-tech tablet. It is human nature to want something that somebody else has got, so here’s your warning – get yourself an iPad if you have the chance, or regret it following three years of written note-taking.

You Twit. Six-of-the-Best Comic Accounts

Twitter is an annoyingly quite brilliant concept. I don’t want to feel the need to care about what ‘celebs’ are up to, I don’t want to have conversations or try to explain something with an impossible limit of 140 characters, and I certainly don’t want to be reminded that whilst only 186 people care about what I have to say (half of which are fake porn stars or business accounts looking for my custom, so therefore don’t count), over three million take an interest in Piers Morgan’s pearls of wisdom, and almost 2 million users want to know who Joey Barton is next looking to stab in the eye with a cigarette!

Even so, somehow, Twitter keeps dragging me and the rest of the unimportant nation in. The interactivity with the rich and famous is an ideal much admired by the ‘Beliebers’ and ‘Directioners’ of the twittosphere, as they continue to genuinely believe that Justin actually gives a **** that ‘Justin means the world to us!’… Oh shut up, you delusional psychopaths, he doesn’t even know you exist.

Outbursts aside, one of the best elements existing with twitter is the ‘are they, aren’t they?’ fake accounts that you can plausibly believe, yet are almost too clever to be real. The one’s that make you laugh through over-excessive stereotyping or parodying of reality. Here’s some of my favourites that you simply have to take a look at. Now I apologize in advance, for ALL of these will be football-related and thus some will have no interest at all in my ‘six of the best’ below. For the rest of you, you might want to make some additions to your ‘following’ list.

NCFC CHAOS CREW (@CHAOSCREW_NCFC): Described in impressively illiterate fashion as ‘an up and coming mob of lads’, this “numba 1 yoof firm” likes to dress in ‘smart casual clobber’, stay confidential for obvious reasons (‘old bill’), only ‘smash up’ casuals not ‘shirters’, and enjoy helping out with their granddads allotments in their spare time. Behind the hard-man image the Norfolk boys actually offer some insightful, analytical comments on topics such as ‘nawty’ players at Newcastle, or the exceedingly poor quality of beer such as Fosters. Don’t appear to be ‘old bill’ though, or you’re ‘blocked son’ for ‘mugging them off’! Far too good to be true, the people behind the profile go down as comedy geniuses in my book.

Wale Hezekiah (@WaleLuvzGirl): Wale is, supposedly, a proud Christian from Nigeria who holds three clubs close to his heart – Liverpool, Man United and Celtic. His love for Liverpool is epitomized by his obsession with superstar Stewart Downing, and Celtic through his appreciation of manager ‘Aaron’ Lennon. His Manchester United team include Ruud Van Pursie, John o Shay, and Nanny, though he strongly advocates the sacking of Alex Ferguson – particularly disagreeing with the signing of a player who ‘thinks he is a pokemon’, meaning Javier Hernandez. Displaying his feelings through what is atrociously bad written grammar, Wale is partial to some ‘*dancin*’, enjoys sending ‘*hugz*’, whilst also proving an emotional character as he often breaks down ‘*cryin*’ or puts on his ‘*sad face*’. An admired tweeter amongst his followers, Wale is, quite frankly, brilliant.

Cockney Fred the Red (@notagloryhunter): As stereotypical as they come, Fred’s purpose is to mimic 50% of the football-‘supporting’ nation in his love of Manchester United Football Club for absolutely no reason whatsoever. He claims to have once visited Old Trafford – as an Arsenal fan – but has bought the United shirt for the last 5 years so is supposedly worthy of his ‘Avid MUFC Fan’ tag. He is keen to show the world what being a ‘proper red’ is all about – singing about ‘CR7’, being happy with Anderson as opposed to Lucas Moura, and celebrating their ‘champions’ status last season… for 122 seconds. Now, this account won’t go down well with many – for example, if you’re a United fan because your granddad once went to Manchester and said it was nice, steer well clear. If you’re a Manchester City fan, or any other genuine football supporter for that matter (United fans included), you’re free to laugh at the expense of all ‘plastics’.

Canary Call (@01603617321): For all you Norfolk-born-and-bred folk, Canary Call needs no introduction. For those of you without such a privilege, Canary Call is the football phone-in on Radio Norfolk which follows all NCFC games and features some of Norfolk’s finest mentalists. Norfolk accents at their very best, accompanied by football knowledge at its very worst, the comedy value of Canary Call is not to be underestimated. The twitter account (getting back to the point) is effectively a parody of the kind of calls the radio station can expect to receive – yet, worryingly, it’s really not far off. Consistently wondering ‘WAS GORN ON?!’, wanting ‘Hootun out’, and ‘Foomun’ about a lack of ‘ghouls’ – this account is the closest you’ll get to the real-thing outside of Norfolk. Come on, everybody loves a laugh at our expense, so here’s some armoury delivered on a plate.

Alan Shearer’s Eyes (@HowAlanSeesIt): As many regular Match-of-the-Day viewers can testify – Alan Shearer was a far better player than he is now a pundit. Popping up during the Blackburn, Newcastle and England hero’s finest hours of punditry, this account aims to put some perspective on the points that Alan raises, and highlight the simplicity of his analysis. According to the Alan Shearer that this account portrays, ‘Defenders don’t like strikers who try to score goals’… just to give you an idea of the tone of these tweets. What’s even funnier about this account is when the occasional imbecile responds to a tweet believing it’s genuine. Just last week, somebody argued Alan should ‘get real’ and it was ‘about time he quit’ following a sarcastic analysis of a booking… There’s just no helping some people, honestly.

Opta Parody (@OptaParody): Quite self-explanatory, this is a parody of the statistics provided by the legitimate ‘Opta’ sports account. As opposed to providing interesting, useful and, well, truthful statistics – Opta Parody prefers to present jokes with the purpose of mocking anyone and anything in the world of football. Here are a few samples, just so you get the idea – ‘0 – The number of clues this referee has. Embarrassing’; ‘2020 – The earliest Arsenal will next win a trophy. Rubbish’; £1,856,348 – The yearly saving in hospital bills QPR will make after they release Kieron Dyer from his contract. Sick-note’… I’m sure you get it by now.